Life is better

About a year ago from now, Andy and I made the decision to contact American Adoptions to gather more information about the process of having our child.  Here we are with our cell phones on and by us all the time waiting for Oliver.  Crazy!  We've reflected on our adoption journey, from contacting American Adoptions, to beginning the paperwork, to creating our profile, to getting the call.  We realized this week that when we had pictures taken by Jake Adams Photography for our profile, Oliver was being conceived.  Something small like definitely feels like he was meant to be ours.

Andy and I have been talking a lot about how much our lives are about to change for the better in the next week or two.  Oliver is coming, and we can't wait to be a part of his life.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I am having an extremely difficult time concentrating on anything other than Oliver.  I. CAN'T. DO. IT.

Every phone call...I think it may be about Oliver.  I spend hours researching and researching how to get to NYC ASAP and where to stay.  Being unable to book anything is stressful, too.  I don't want to miss a single thing as Oliver enters this world, but reality is, we will.  It sucks accepting that.  I'm worried about the hospital stay and everything.  I'm worried about meeting the birthmom in person.  My mind is going 152 mph just about Oliver.  What makes it even more exciting is we found out she is dilated 2 cm  this past Wednesday.  It's happening.  It's really happening.

I've spent my summer preparing for Oliver and everything surrounding Oliver.  We've found a pediatrician; we've talked to friends about adoption/raising kids; we've read and we've read.  Here I am, on my last day of summer vacation, and that's all I have done.  I know it's not a bad thing at all.  I've enjoyed every single moment, but I know I have so many other responsibilities like that monkey on my back named "Dissertation."

It will all work out, right?  Everything will be okay and happen the way it is supposed to.  A few weeks from now, we'll be in NYC with our son.  Surreal.  

Done

My sweet Oliver,

Your room is done. DONE!!!! One thing is missing though. Obviously, it's you. We can wait to hold you, to read to you, and to play with you in your room. 

Nervousness

Today, we have hit 37 weeks.  37 weeks!  Incredible.  In mid-April, August 11th seemed so far in the distance, but now, here we are.  The nursery is done.  His bag is being packed.  We're in the homestretch.

So...I have been emotional lately.  Whenever I'm in public, my eyes are drawn to watching little boys (I can't think of a way to make it sound less creepy). I can't help but imagine what Oliver is going to look like, what his interests will be, what his dislikes will be, all of that.  Imagining his future, or better yet, our future is exciting.  Actually, exciting doesn't quite capture what it feels like.  My life is about to change in the best possible way in just a few short weeks.

With all of this excitement and love, I can't help but think about our birthmom.  How is it something so thrilling..so exciting...can have the complete opposite affect on another human being?  Our joy is her pain.  I can't imagine what she is going through right now.  I don't know if I would even want to.  In some sense, I feel like we are the ones causing some of the pain.  I know that sounds odd, but I can't help but feel that way.  We're the ones who will be walking out of the hospital with him and who will be over-the-moon happy, while she... I don't even want to think about it.  Yes, I'm worried.  I know she is incredibly strong and has made her decision.  I keep reminding myself of all of the comments she has made about us being his parents because I'm scared.  I'm scared she'll change her mind.  I'm scared to come home without him.

These fears are on top of every parent's normal fears like "Will I be a good parent?"  "Will I screw up my child?"  Those are all normal fears, right?

I'm in a whirlwind of emotions right now.  The best time of my life and I'm scared...

Your Heartbeat

Ever since we have known about our match, I have wanted to hear Oliver's heartbeat. Yes, sonogram pictures are absolutely wonderful.  Seeing our birthmom's belly was amazing.  But, there's something about hearing a heartbeat...the heart that pumps life throughout his body.  I am over the moon happy to hear it before it he is born.  Before I hold him.  Before he hears my heartbeat.  So here is my son's.  My son's heartbeat.

I have listened to this over...and over...and over.  Definitely music to our ears.  

E-mail

We're lucky to have an amazing birthmom (in case I haven't mentioned it before :-) ). We e-mail each other a lot, which is so awesome. It means the world to us and I hope it helps her, too.

Today, we got this e-mail from her. 

I've been crying like a baby...no pun intended. 

Oliver

Oliver's birthmom had a sonogram today. She said he's 5 pounds and 5 ounces and shows signs of hair. HAIR!!!! Maybe more than Andy. :-)

When I got home today, I stopped by our mailbox down the street. Inside, I found a loving card with sonogram pictures from before. We're so in love. Seriously. So. In. Love. He is so handsome and so loved.  I don't know if she knows how much that means to us. Seeing him makes it so real. It makes it feel so right...like we're his parents.  

I wish I could hug our birthmom and tell her all of the sappy stuff I'd like to say. She is so much a part of our family and a part of our hearts. She is such an amazing woman who is giving us a beautiful baby.