"I don't see you as ever being a mom."
This sentence was said to me several years ago when Andy and I first started trying to have a family. Yes, someone truly said that to me. At that time, we hadn't shared we were trying to have kids with anyone. In fact, after that sentence, I never really shared with anyone other than close family and a friend that we were trying to conceive. I decided to keep our hopes for a family private and later our struggles and decision to adopt even more private. I could go on and on about why I believe this person made this comment. I don't believe it had anything to do with me, but everything to do with the person making it. Needless to say, it affected how I would share information.
Today, I have been open about how we became Oliver's parents. It's therapeutic, awkward, yet something I want Oliver to know about when he is older. Andy and I talk about how lucky we are to have him every single day. Every smile, every snuggle, every feeding, every diaper change...we love it all. Our journey was our journey, and it was perfect. I rewrite it at all.
As for that comment, it has been running in the back of my head lately. Every time I think of it, I smile. I smile because I am a mom. I smile because my life is what it is meant to be. I smile because I am happy with the life I have. I smile because I know people are genuinely happy for us and support us (except maybe this person). I smile because I love my son more than anything in this world and I'm pretty sure he loves me.
I am a mom and will be the best mom I can for Oliver.
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Saturday, October 18, 2014
Getting Caught Up
I haven't written in forever. In fact, I haven't even opened my laptop in two months. I'm disappointed in myself by that. I had every intention of writing about our journey, but, alas, it hasn't happened. The blog isn't the only piece of writing that has been ignored either. That pesky dissertation is hovering above my head. However, today is the day I refocus on both.
I am a mom. Four words I never thought I would be able to say for a fact. I am Oliver's mom and I'm pretty sure he knows this. He recognizes my voice and will turn to face. He giggles and smiles whenever I talk to him, play with him, all of that stuff. I love him more than life itself and never could imagine the love I could have for him before he arrived. We are bonded together forever and it is amazing.
Our life has changed completely and for the better. Our little one had a rough start to begin. He was admitted to the NICU the day he was born for hypoglycemia. A few days later, he started to run a fever. Blood tests showed he had E. coli meningitis and would need 21 days of intense antibiotics. All in all, we spent 27 days in the NICU. TWENTY-SEVEN. While that was hard enough, we were in New York, away from all of our friends and family. Looking back on it, it's crazy to think how we managed mentally. Our days were consumed with waking up in a hotel, going to the hospital, and holding Oliver until late at night. One would think I would have written more then, but I found just holding him and staring at him was better than anything in this world. When the NICU attending physician told us he had meningitis and how serious it could have been if it wasn't caught early, he ended the conversation by telling us to treat him like a healthy newborn because he was essentially just that: healthy and perfect.
The nurses were amazing. Not only did they catch the fever incredibly early and potentially saved his life, they took care of Andy and me. They were our moms when we couldn't have our own. One nurse in particular, Donna, was such an amazing support to us. She was there when we cried tears of sadness because Oliver was having a rough day. She was there when we cried tears of joy because of incredibly generous donations from the hospital and from my Fort family. One day, she brought a bottle of wine, beach chairs, a beach umbrella, and a beach blanket and told us we needed a break. As hard as it was, we did need it and took her up on the offer. On her day off, she came to the hospital for discharge. She took the last monitors off of him so I could hold him for THE first time without anything attached to him. I can't even describe that feeling. Tears are welling up in my eyes now because that moment took my breath away. We still talk to Donna every few weeks just to talk about Oliver and how everything is going. After the Royals won and were headed to the World Series, she called to congratulate us. She said she had been watching each Royals game because she knew we were such big fans (especially since we went to a Yankees game to see our boys in blue). Stony Brook University Hospital was fantastic. We can never repay them for the care they gave Ollie and us.
Here's a video of Oliver's stay:
We were discharged on September 8th. We knew the paperwork for us to leave the state would be filed the next day and knew approval could take 5 to 10 business days. The adoption lawyer said New York was very quick and they were. We had approval on the 10th and needed approval from Missouri. During our whole stay, we talked to Oliver's birthmom a lot. She would text and came up a few times. Her dad stopped by, too. Knowing we were so close to going home, she came to the hotel on September 11th with her mom and her daughter. She held Oliver, took pictures and loved him as much as possible. I can't write enough about Oliver's birthmom without crying. She put on a brave face the entire time, always wearing a smile. I knew this was the hardest thing she had ever done and I knew this was a final goodbye. I hugged her one last time and told her, "Thank you for making me a mom." I think we both cried then...first time I saw her cry.
When we were done, we went back to our room and both of our phones had several voicemails and texts. We had approval to leave the state. It was almost perfect timing. The phone calls saying we could go home came when we were saying goodbye to our birthmom. Perfect. I lost it at that moment. We could finally come home after 5 weeks of living in nine hotels, driving through nine states, and having son. The morning could come soon enough.
On September 12th, we started our drive home with our son as early as we possibly could. When we got to the Bronx, we received a text message saying Andy's Aunt Debbie passed away. Getting home could not have more important.
Once home, we finally were able to introduce Oliver to our family and friends. I have been accustomed to being home with the little guy. I do absolutely anything for his giggles and for his laughs even though he stops when I try to video it.
Oliver is perfect by every sense of that word. He is my son, and I could not be any luckier than I am now.
I am a mom. Four words I never thought I would be able to say for a fact. I am Oliver's mom and I'm pretty sure he knows this. He recognizes my voice and will turn to face. He giggles and smiles whenever I talk to him, play with him, all of that stuff. I love him more than life itself and never could imagine the love I could have for him before he arrived. We are bonded together forever and it is amazing.
Our life has changed completely and for the better. Our little one had a rough start to begin. He was admitted to the NICU the day he was born for hypoglycemia. A few days later, he started to run a fever. Blood tests showed he had E. coli meningitis and would need 21 days of intense antibiotics. All in all, we spent 27 days in the NICU. TWENTY-SEVEN. While that was hard enough, we were in New York, away from all of our friends and family. Looking back on it, it's crazy to think how we managed mentally. Our days were consumed with waking up in a hotel, going to the hospital, and holding Oliver until late at night. One would think I would have written more then, but I found just holding him and staring at him was better than anything in this world. When the NICU attending physician told us he had meningitis and how serious it could have been if it wasn't caught early, he ended the conversation by telling us to treat him like a healthy newborn because he was essentially just that: healthy and perfect.
The nurses were amazing. Not only did they catch the fever incredibly early and potentially saved his life, they took care of Andy and me. They were our moms when we couldn't have our own. One nurse in particular, Donna, was such an amazing support to us. She was there when we cried tears of sadness because Oliver was having a rough day. She was there when we cried tears of joy because of incredibly generous donations from the hospital and from my Fort family. One day, she brought a bottle of wine, beach chairs, a beach umbrella, and a beach blanket and told us we needed a break. As hard as it was, we did need it and took her up on the offer. On her day off, she came to the hospital for discharge. She took the last monitors off of him so I could hold him for THE first time without anything attached to him. I can't even describe that feeling. Tears are welling up in my eyes now because that moment took my breath away. We still talk to Donna every few weeks just to talk about Oliver and how everything is going. After the Royals won and were headed to the World Series, she called to congratulate us. She said she had been watching each Royals game because she knew we were such big fans (especially since we went to a Yankees game to see our boys in blue). Stony Brook University Hospital was fantastic. We can never repay them for the care they gave Ollie and us.
Here's a video of Oliver's stay:
We were discharged on September 8th. We knew the paperwork for us to leave the state would be filed the next day and knew approval could take 5 to 10 business days. The adoption lawyer said New York was very quick and they were. We had approval on the 10th and needed approval from Missouri. During our whole stay, we talked to Oliver's birthmom a lot. She would text and came up a few times. Her dad stopped by, too. Knowing we were so close to going home, she came to the hotel on September 11th with her mom and her daughter. She held Oliver, took pictures and loved him as much as possible. I can't write enough about Oliver's birthmom without crying. She put on a brave face the entire time, always wearing a smile. I knew this was the hardest thing she had ever done and I knew this was a final goodbye. I hugged her one last time and told her, "Thank you for making me a mom." I think we both cried then...first time I saw her cry.
When we were done, we went back to our room and both of our phones had several voicemails and texts. We had approval to leave the state. It was almost perfect timing. The phone calls saying we could go home came when we were saying goodbye to our birthmom. Perfect. I lost it at that moment. We could finally come home after 5 weeks of living in nine hotels, driving through nine states, and having son. The morning could come soon enough.
On September 12th, we started our drive home with our son as early as we possibly could. When we got to the Bronx, we received a text message saying Andy's Aunt Debbie passed away. Getting home could not have more important.
Once home, we finally were able to introduce Oliver to our family and friends. I have been accustomed to being home with the little guy. I do absolutely anything for his giggles and for his laughs even though he stops when I try to video it.
Oliver is perfect by every sense of that word. He is my son, and I could not be any luckier than I am now.
Saturday, August 23, 2014
The Day You Were Born
When I started this I thought I would be able to keep up with all of the stories of how we became your parents. I was wrong. I can't. So Ollie, please for give me as I try to gather all of my memories of your birth. Right now, I'm sitting next to your dad as he holds you as you are in your milk-induced coma. We're on day 11 of being in the NICU.
Here's your story...
Your birthmom kept us in the loop for every appointment she had. Her last appointment was August 7th. At that time, she was a 3 and having irregular contractions. Your dad and I didn't want to miss a thing so we decided we would start driving out and taking our time. August 7th is when I also found out I have a stress fracture in my left foot so I was able to get an awesome boot. This is another reason we decided to start the trek to Long Island.
During our trip, your birthmom continued to keep us updated. You were due August 11th, but that time came and it went. Your dad and I thought for certain you would come before then, but you proved us wrong. We were starting to regret the day we left.
On August 12th, we were in New Jersey, and we decided it was time to head to Long Island. We made hotel reservations for August 13th hoping you would come soon. Around 11:30 am, we were just across the river and could see Manhattan including the Empire State building and the Statue of Liberty, when your birthmom texted that her water broke and she would be leaving soon. I can't even describe the emotions that came over us. It was a "HOLY CRAP!" feeling (which you aren't allowed to say, Ollie). Your dad and I got a little teary-eyed because we knew you were coming soon. I made phone calls and texted everyone as your dad tried to navigate NYC traffic. We knew we had some time before you came so we checked into the hotel early and started our way to Stony Brook Hospital.
We were nervous about what was going to happen. Not only were we about to become parents, but we were also going to meet your birthmom for the very first time. Things got real!
When we got to the hospital, we had to park the car in the parking lot. That's when your birthmom's mom called us and she said, "Oliver is here! He's beautiful! They told me to get coffee so she could get an epidural and I missed it. He was born about 5 minutes ago!" Here, we thought we had hours of waiting, but we didn't. You came so quickly that your birthmom's mom couldn't even make it to your birth. I asked how your birthmom was and she handed the phone to her so I could talk to her. She said she was good and I could hear you coo. I told her we were walking in the hospital now and would see her soon. I remember looking at your dad and saying you were born. You're ours.
While we were waiting in the waiting room to meet you, a man in scrubs came to us and introduced himself. I looked at his name tag and right away knew it was your birthmom's dad. The tears filled my eyes as he hugged me, kissed me on the cheek, and told me congratulations on the birth of our son. He asked us about our drive in and told us that the morning of your birth was the worst flood Long Island had in years. He said so many of the employees couldn't come in because the roadways were flooded up to people's waists. He then left to check on his daughter and you. His calmness and kindness is what I will always remember about him. When he left, he told us how absolutely perfect you were.
A while later, we met your birthmom's mom. She, too, came out and told us congratulations and said how perfect you were. She said how quickly you came. Within an hour of their arrival at the hospital, you were born. She showed us pictures of you. Oh my gosh, you were so handsome! We also found out August 13th was your birthmom's paternal grandma's birthday so they felt like the she was watching over your birth. Your birthmom's brother's girlfriend's daughter was also in labor and they were anxiously waiting her son's arrival. Your birthmom's mom left to check to see if we could come back. Shortly, she returned saying that your blood sugar was low and they were going to take you to the NICU. We thought it was no big deal and you would be out soon. We were wrong...
We waited several hours for the text from your birthmom saying she was ready to meet us and to take us to meet you. As soon as we saw her, we each gave her a hug to thank her. Then, we went to meet you...My heart was in my throat. I was about to meet the most important person in my life: YOU. You were as perfect, absolutely perfect. It was completely love at first sight. The nurses asked if we wanted to hold you, and I asked your birthmom if she wanted to hold you. She said no and wanted me to hold you. You melted my heart and your dad's heart. You were ours forever.
So, in a whirlwind, on August 13, 2014, at 1:28 PM, you were born at Stony Brook University, weighing 9 lbs. and measuring 20 1/2 inches. Our wait to meet you was over.
Here's your story...
Your birthmom kept us in the loop for every appointment she had. Her last appointment was August 7th. At that time, she was a 3 and having irregular contractions. Your dad and I didn't want to miss a thing so we decided we would start driving out and taking our time. August 7th is when I also found out I have a stress fracture in my left foot so I was able to get an awesome boot. This is another reason we decided to start the trek to Long Island.
During our trip, your birthmom continued to keep us updated. You were due August 11th, but that time came and it went. Your dad and I thought for certain you would come before then, but you proved us wrong. We were starting to regret the day we left.
On August 12th, we were in New Jersey, and we decided it was time to head to Long Island. We made hotel reservations for August 13th hoping you would come soon. Around 11:30 am, we were just across the river and could see Manhattan including the Empire State building and the Statue of Liberty, when your birthmom texted that her water broke and she would be leaving soon. I can't even describe the emotions that came over us. It was a "HOLY CRAP!" feeling (which you aren't allowed to say, Ollie). Your dad and I got a little teary-eyed because we knew you were coming soon. I made phone calls and texted everyone as your dad tried to navigate NYC traffic. We knew we had some time before you came so we checked into the hotel early and started our way to Stony Brook Hospital.
We were nervous about what was going to happen. Not only were we about to become parents, but we were also going to meet your birthmom for the very first time. Things got real!
When we got to the hospital, we had to park the car in the parking lot. That's when your birthmom's mom called us and she said, "Oliver is here! He's beautiful! They told me to get coffee so she could get an epidural and I missed it. He was born about 5 minutes ago!" Here, we thought we had hours of waiting, but we didn't. You came so quickly that your birthmom's mom couldn't even make it to your birth. I asked how your birthmom was and she handed the phone to her so I could talk to her. She said she was good and I could hear you coo. I told her we were walking in the hospital now and would see her soon. I remember looking at your dad and saying you were born. You're ours.
While we were waiting in the waiting room to meet you, a man in scrubs came to us and introduced himself. I looked at his name tag and right away knew it was your birthmom's dad. The tears filled my eyes as he hugged me, kissed me on the cheek, and told me congratulations on the birth of our son. He asked us about our drive in and told us that the morning of your birth was the worst flood Long Island had in years. He said so many of the employees couldn't come in because the roadways were flooded up to people's waists. He then left to check on his daughter and you. His calmness and kindness is what I will always remember about him. When he left, he told us how absolutely perfect you were.
A while later, we met your birthmom's mom. She, too, came out and told us congratulations and said how perfect you were. She said how quickly you came. Within an hour of their arrival at the hospital, you were born. She showed us pictures of you. Oh my gosh, you were so handsome! We also found out August 13th was your birthmom's paternal grandma's birthday so they felt like the she was watching over your birth. Your birthmom's brother's girlfriend's daughter was also in labor and they were anxiously waiting her son's arrival. Your birthmom's mom left to check to see if we could come back. Shortly, she returned saying that your blood sugar was low and they were going to take you to the NICU. We thought it was no big deal and you would be out soon. We were wrong...
We waited several hours for the text from your birthmom saying she was ready to meet us and to take us to meet you. As soon as we saw her, we each gave her a hug to thank her. Then, we went to meet you...My heart was in my throat. I was about to meet the most important person in my life: YOU. You were as perfect, absolutely perfect. It was completely love at first sight. The nurses asked if we wanted to hold you, and I asked your birthmom if she wanted to hold you. She said no and wanted me to hold you. You melted my heart and your dad's heart. You were ours forever.
So, in a whirlwind, on August 13, 2014, at 1:28 PM, you were born at Stony Brook University, weighing 9 lbs. and measuring 20 1/2 inches. Our wait to meet you was over.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
August 7th...
We made a huge decision today, one full of emotion. Today, after we heard from our birthmom about her progression and mild contractions, we decided to begin our journey to get our son. I'm sitting here, on my couch, listening to my dogs play, typing away and this is the last night in our home without our son. It is an absolute surreal moment. Oliver is almost home.
Andy had his last day of work for 6 weeks and I had my last day of work for 12. It was slightly sad walking out of the building today knowing I would not be there to start the school year with teachers and students. I don't know how much good I have done the past two weeks. My mind has been hyper-focused on Oliver and the adoption. Not a lot of work has been completed, or more like not a lot focus has been available. It has been an emotional roller coaster that I don't think I could adequately describe to someone who has never adopted. I try just like some try to describe the emotionally roller coaster of giving birth to me. I don't get it, but that's okay. My journey to motherhood is different. :-)
Of course, in my life, things aren't just that simple. Today, I also found out I have a stress fracture in my left foot from running. I started running again to alleviate the stress I have had. But, now, I'm in a boot and pain meds. :-)
So here we go! Andy and I are getting our son!
Friday, August 1, 2014
Reassurance
Our birthmom could not have picked a better time to e-mail us this week. I have been incredibly scared about all the possibilities that may occur....like leaving the hospital without Oliver. That, quite honestly, freaks me out. I'm already so in love with him, I can't imagine not getting to be his mom. I have had MANY
Then we get her e-mail...below is an excerpt.
Thank you soooo soo much for being so loving and kind...You are such nice people and I can't wait to meet you both in person! Oliver is going to be a very lucky boy to you as parents without a doubt!
Like I said, absolutely perfect. I keep reassuring myself that we will be his parents. In many ways, we already are. Our birthmom has no idea how much she means to us and how perfect her words were.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Life is better
About a year ago from now, Andy and I made the decision to contact American Adoptions to gather more information about the process of having our child. Here we are with our cell phones on and by us all the time waiting for Oliver. Crazy! We've reflected on our adoption journey, from contacting American Adoptions, to beginning the paperwork, to creating our profile, to getting the call. We realized this week that when we had pictures taken by Jake Adams Photography for our profile, Oliver was being conceived. Something small like definitely feels like he was meant to be ours.
Andy and I have been talking a lot about how much our lives are about to change for the better in the next week or two. Oliver is coming, and we can't wait to be a part of his life.
Andy and I have been talking a lot about how much our lives are about to change for the better in the next week or two. Oliver is coming, and we can't wait to be a part of his life.
Friday, July 25, 2014
AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
I am having an extremely difficult time concentrating on anything other than Oliver. I. CAN'T. DO. IT.
Every phone call...I think it may be about Oliver. I spend hours researching and researching how to get to NYC ASAP and where to stay. Being unable to book anything is stressful, too. I don't want to miss a single thing as Oliver enters this world, but reality is, we will. It sucks accepting that. I'm worried about the hospital stay and everything. I'm worried about meeting the birthmom in person. My mind is going 152 mph just about Oliver. What makes it even more exciting is we found out she is dilated 2 cm this past Wednesday. It's happening. It's really happening.
I've spent my summer preparing for Oliver and everything surrounding Oliver. We've found a pediatrician; we've talked to friends about adoption/raising kids; we've read and we've read. Here I am, on my last day of summer vacation, and that's all I have done. I know it's not a bad thing at all. I've enjoyed every single moment, but I know I have so many other responsibilities like that monkey on my back named "Dissertation."
It will all work out, right? Everything will be okay and happen the way it is supposed to. A few weeks from now, we'll be in NYC with our son. Surreal.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Done
My sweet Oliver,
Your room is done. DONE!!!! One thing is missing though. Obviously, it's you. We can wait to hold you, to read to you, and to play with you in your room.
Monday, July 21, 2014
Nervousness
Today, we have hit 37 weeks. 37 weeks! Incredible. In mid-April, August 11th seemed so far in the distance, but now, here we are. The nursery is done. His bag is being packed. We're in the homestretch.
So...I have been emotional lately. Whenever I'm in public, my eyes are drawn to watching little boys (I can't think of a way to make it sound less creepy). I can't help but imagine what Oliver is going to look like, what his interests will be, what his dislikes will be, all of that. Imagining his future, or better yet, our future is exciting. Actually, exciting doesn't quite capture what it feels like. My life is about to change in the best possible way in just a few short weeks.
With all of this excitement and love, I can't help but think about our birthmom. How is it something so thrilling..so exciting...can have the complete opposite affect on another human being? Our joy is her pain. I can't imagine what she is going through right now. I don't know if I would even want to. In some sense, I feel like we are the ones causing some of the pain. I know that sounds odd, but I can't help but feel that way. We're the ones who will be walking out of the hospital with him and who will be over-the-moon happy, while she... I don't even want to think about it. Yes, I'm worried. I know she is incredibly strong and has made her decision. I keep reminding myself of all of the comments she has made about us being his parents because I'm scared. I'm scared she'll change her mind. I'm scared to come home without him.
These fears are on top of every parent's normal fears like "Will I be a good parent?" "Will I screw up my child?" Those are all normal fears, right?
I'm in a whirlwind of emotions right now. The best time of my life and I'm scared...
So...I have been emotional lately. Whenever I'm in public, my eyes are drawn to watching little boys (I can't think of a way to make it sound less creepy). I can't help but imagine what Oliver is going to look like, what his interests will be, what his dislikes will be, all of that. Imagining his future, or better yet, our future is exciting. Actually, exciting doesn't quite capture what it feels like. My life is about to change in the best possible way in just a few short weeks.
With all of this excitement and love, I can't help but think about our birthmom. How is it something so thrilling..so exciting...can have the complete opposite affect on another human being? Our joy is her pain. I can't imagine what she is going through right now. I don't know if I would even want to. In some sense, I feel like we are the ones causing some of the pain. I know that sounds odd, but I can't help but feel that way. We're the ones who will be walking out of the hospital with him and who will be over-the-moon happy, while she... I don't even want to think about it. Yes, I'm worried. I know she is incredibly strong and has made her decision. I keep reminding myself of all of the comments she has made about us being his parents because I'm scared. I'm scared she'll change her mind. I'm scared to come home without him.
These fears are on top of every parent's normal fears like "Will I be a good parent?" "Will I screw up my child?" Those are all normal fears, right?
I'm in a whirlwind of emotions right now. The best time of my life and I'm scared...
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Your Heartbeat
Ever since we have known about our match, I have wanted to hear Oliver's heartbeat. Yes, sonogram pictures are absolutely wonderful. Seeing our birthmom's belly was amazing. But, there's something about hearing a heartbeat...the heart that pumps life throughout his body. I am over the moon happy to hear it before it he is born. Before I hold him. Before he hears my heartbeat. So here is my son's. My son's heartbeat.
I have listened to this over...and over...and over. Definitely music to our ears.
Thursday, July 3, 2014
We're lucky to have an amazing birthmom (in case I haven't mentioned it before :-) ). We e-mail each other a lot, which is so awesome. It means the world to us and I hope it helps her, too.
Today, we got this e-mail from her.
I've been crying like a baby...no pun intended.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Oliver
When I got home today, I stopped by our mailbox down the street. Inside, I found a loving card with sonogram pictures from before. We're so in love. Seriously. So. In. Love. He is so handsome and so loved. I don't know if she knows how much that means to us. Seeing him makes it so real. It makes it feel so right...like we're his parents.
I wish I could hug our birthmom and tell her all of the sappy stuff I'd like to say. She is so much a part of our family and a part of our hearts. She is such an amazing woman who is giving us a beautiful baby.
Monday, June 30, 2014
Love at First Sight
I am completely overwhelmed with the kindness and support people are giving our growing family. Many are just as excited as we are to have Oliver enter our lives. It means the world to us to be able to share our joy with people who we care about and people who just want to help us as much as possible. We are so incredibly lucky.
Today, at bus duty, one of my students, who is from a family I adore, gave Oliver some gifts. The simple act of kindness and caring completely moved me. It's nice to know you aren't alone in this journey.
I also had my first baby shower today with other administrators whom I appreciate all their love and support. Simply being around others and talking about my son got me. I never thought I would be here and be a mom, but here I am. One of the gifts was a necklace for me with a card that said, "I chose this gift for you... because I wanted you to have something special to wear...for looking forward to the very moment you meet your little one...and a reminder every day after that of the magic in that moment! God has a plan for how we become mothers and it doesn't matter that each plan is unique...the outcome is the same; it truly is Love at first sight!"
Today, at bus duty, one of my students, who is from a family I adore, gave Oliver some gifts. The simple act of kindness and caring completely moved me. It's nice to know you aren't alone in this journey.
I also had my first baby shower today with other administrators whom I appreciate all their love and support. Simply being around others and talking about my son got me. I never thought I would be here and be a mom, but here I am. One of the gifts was a necklace for me with a card that said, "I chose this gift for you... because I wanted you to have something special to wear...for looking forward to the very moment you meet your little one...and a reminder every day after that of the magic in that moment! God has a plan for how we become mothers and it doesn't matter that each plan is unique...the outcome is the same; it truly is Love at first sight!"
I am touched by every person who asks me questions, who gives me support, who answers my questions, who gives me advice, who just listens and so on. I can never repay the amount of love Andy and I have received, but I will definitely try. Thank you for infinity! I can't wait for that moment of holding him.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Less Than 50 Days
Reality hit this weekend as we continue to get the nursery ready. We have less than 50 days until we meet our son. FIFTY DAYS!
Each Monday, one of our routines has been checking a pregnancy app to see how big Oliver is and what is developing. Yesterday, we hit the 33 week mark. It is so surreal. We talk everyday about Oliver and how Oliver is going to be here before we know it. I'm scared, nervous, and so incredibly excited to meet him.
Yup, less than 50 days.
Each Monday, one of our routines has been checking a pregnancy app to see how big Oliver is and what is developing. Yesterday, we hit the 33 week mark. It is so surreal. We talk everyday about Oliver and how Oliver is going to be here before we know it. I'm scared, nervous, and so incredibly excited to meet him.
Yup, less than 50 days.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Skype...EEK!
There are no words for what just happen. None. I don't think I can adequately express the awesomeness that just occurred. My heart is warm and fuzzy all over the place and a complete stranger caused it. :-)
We had plans to Skype the birthmom today. The hours before the Skype call were nerve wracking because I wanted things to go extra smooth. When I get nervous, I have a good habit of cleaning my house...which I did with 311 blaring. And, yes, I was splotchy! How could I not be?
The call came, our hearts skipped several beats. Before we knew it, we were looking at this beautiful lady and her adorable daughter. Her two-year-old started off by asking us our names. ADORABLE. I asked them about the pet parade they went to yesterday. We asked the daughter if she wanted to see our pups, which she did. Our puppy, Amy, couldn't have been any cuter. Her daughter kept asking to see our dogs. Eventually, she went with her grandma to read a book to give us a chance to talk to the birthmom. Having that face-to-face conversation was so unbelievably amazing. We'd say stuff and we'd get to see her smile. It. Was. Awesome.
She talked to us about the birth plan. She wants us there for everything. She wants us to be a part of his first feeding. She asked if we wanted him circumcised or not, which we had NO idea we would get to decide. The amount she is including us in this journey is amazing. She told us she had a doctor's appointment today and everything looks great. He is very active (especially when she is trying to sleep). His heart rate is 160 and he even kicked the doctor.
I asked if we could see her belly. She knew we'd ask :-). The feeling of seeing a woman's belly who is carrying your child is indescribable. Andy, the man of few words, said, "Oh wow!" I glanced over to him and saw this huge smile on his face.
We showed her Oliver's room, or what we have started. She was excited to see it. I had sent her pictures previously of his room and the letters we were going to paint. She made a comment about the letters and how much she liked it. We showed her out of Oliver's window and where he'll play.
We had a moment to talk to the birthmom's mom. I told her we think so highly of her daughter and she is giving us such an amazing gift.
I can't pretend to know what is going on in the birthmom's world or any of the emotions she is having. She smiled the entire time, and we could tell by her body language, she felt relieved. Each time we talk, things feel so right. This lady is incredible.
8 weeks and counting.
We had plans to Skype the birthmom today. The hours before the Skype call were nerve wracking because I wanted things to go extra smooth. When I get nervous, I have a good habit of cleaning my house...which I did with 311 blaring. And, yes, I was splotchy! How could I not be?
The call came, our hearts skipped several beats. Before we knew it, we were looking at this beautiful lady and her adorable daughter. Her two-year-old started off by asking us our names. ADORABLE. I asked them about the pet parade they went to yesterday. We asked the daughter if she wanted to see our pups, which she did. Our puppy, Amy, couldn't have been any cuter. Her daughter kept asking to see our dogs. Eventually, she went with her grandma to read a book to give us a chance to talk to the birthmom. Having that face-to-face conversation was so unbelievably amazing. We'd say stuff and we'd get to see her smile. It. Was. Awesome.
She talked to us about the birth plan. She wants us there for everything. She wants us to be a part of his first feeding. She asked if we wanted him circumcised or not, which we had NO idea we would get to decide. The amount she is including us in this journey is amazing. She told us she had a doctor's appointment today and everything looks great. He is very active (especially when she is trying to sleep). His heart rate is 160 and he even kicked the doctor.
I asked if we could see her belly. She knew we'd ask :-). The feeling of seeing a woman's belly who is carrying your child is indescribable. Andy, the man of few words, said, "Oh wow!" I glanced over to him and saw this huge smile on his face.
We showed her Oliver's room, or what we have started. She was excited to see it. I had sent her pictures previously of his room and the letters we were going to paint. She made a comment about the letters and how much she liked it. We showed her out of Oliver's window and where he'll play.
We had a moment to talk to the birthmom's mom. I told her we think so highly of her daughter and she is giving us such an amazing gift.
I can't pretend to know what is going on in the birthmom's world or any of the emotions she is having. She smiled the entire time, and we could tell by her body language, she felt relieved. Each time we talk, things feel so right. This lady is incredible.
8 weeks and counting.
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Look at Him
April 27, 2014
In our school district, we have a Steak Fry to celebrate years of service, retirements, teacher of the year, and other major achievements. Little did I know I would have a moment that changes my life.
During this ceremony, I received an e-mail with the birthmom's medical records during her pregnancy. Attached was this sonogram. That blob is my son. MY SON. Holy crap! That feels amazing and scary all at the same time!
In our school district, we have a Steak Fry to celebrate years of service, retirements, teacher of the year, and other major achievements. Little did I know I would have a moment that changes my life.
During this ceremony, I received an e-mail with the birthmom's medical records during her pregnancy. Attached was this sonogram. That blob is my son. MY SON. Holy crap! That feels amazing and scary all at the same time!
Monday, June 9, 2014
Your Room
May 31, 2014
To My Sweet Son,
Your Dad and I started your room today. Something as simple as picking out paint colors and furniture made us so incredibly happy. It sunk in that we are preparing room for you in our home. We are getting your room ready, your sanctuary, your space to play and you will be here in two months. Your Dad and I looked out of your window as we painted. We never really took time to do that in the past. I became a little teary-eyed because you will soon be here to enjoy the view with me.
We never thought this would actually happen to us. We are so lucky to be your parents.
Love,
Mom and Dad
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Answered Questions
We are able to talk to the birthmom yesterday. She had her 30 week appointment so we got to hear about it. Everything is going great! Apparently, Oliver moves around All. Of. The. Time. Even the doctor commented about how active he is. :-) We asked if it was possible if she could record his heartbeat, which she said she would try.
We were able to ask some questions about her that we thought of like what she liked to do as a kid, what her heritage is, and anything she knew about the birthdad. She was completely open to answering anything, which was amazing.
She, too, asked us a few things. She very much wants us to be a part of the birth. She even thought about what hotel we should stay at so we could be close to the hospital. :-)
She asked if we have started his nursery, which we coincidentally started 2 days before. She became excited when we talked about it and even when we talked about the view from his room.
As the conversation started winding down, I opened up to her in the awkward manner only I can do. I told her that words can never express how thankful we are for her and for Oliver. We could never repay her for her allowing us to be his parents. We shared with her that the amount of courage she has is amazing and we completely understand how hard this is for her. Again, she said she was happy she could make our dreams come true.
Another remarkable conversation with a brave lady.
We were able to ask some questions about her that we thought of like what she liked to do as a kid, what her heritage is, and anything she knew about the birthdad. She was completely open to answering anything, which was amazing.
She, too, asked us a few things. She very much wants us to be a part of the birth. She even thought about what hotel we should stay at so we could be close to the hospital. :-)
She asked if we have started his nursery, which we coincidentally started 2 days before. She became excited when we talked about it and even when we talked about the view from his room.
As the conversation started winding down, I opened up to her in the awkward manner only I can do. I told her that words can never express how thankful we are for her and for Oliver. We could never repay her for her allowing us to be his parents. We shared with her that the amount of courage she has is amazing and we completely understand how hard this is for her. Again, she said she was happy she could make our dreams come true.
Another remarkable conversation with a brave lady.
Monday, June 2, 2014
Family Reactions
Our family and close friends are incredibly excited. INCREDIBLY. I think some of the best reactions have come from Jude. When Laura told Jude we were having a boy, he became super excited and wanted him to come over and play. When Laura was garage sale shopping for the baby, Jude asked Laura when she would be done shopping for "Olver" or "All-ver." When he saw me, he said, "Sawah, do you have a baby in your belly?" My response: "No, Jude. I'm just fat."
Good thing I love this kid. He's going to be such an awesome big cousin.
Good thing I love this kid. He's going to be such an awesome big cousin.
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Conference Call +1
April 23, 2014
Andy and I had a conference call scheduled with our adoption counselor or specialist. She started off by congratulating us on our match. She then discussed the next steps of the process including the phone call with the birthmom. She said that it is typical for all of us to be incredibly nervous and the phone call would be super awkward. She gave advice on the structure of the phone call of us showing our excitement and gratitude, of showing empathy, of asking questions about her, of us allowing her to ask questions, of us calming her fears and so on. I feverishly took notes of the ideas. This was one phone call I did NOT want to screw up. I'm not afraid to admit it, but I am an incredibly awkward person. This raises my anxiety big time knowing this is my first impression with some who will hopefully make me a mom. The conference call continued with the specifics of our trip including plane rides, hotels, insurance and so on...blah blah blah. My mind was on overload and I couldn't wait to talk to Andy later that evening.
Fast forward a couple of hours and we received an e-mail from the birthmom's counselor asking if we could talk to the birthmom in an hour. WHAT?!?!?!?!?!??!!?? I hadn't even had time to process the first phone call and now I'm supposed to prepare for an extremely emotional phone call with a birthmom. Of course we did, but we or I was scared.
The birthmom's counselor talked to us again about it being normal if the conversation seems awkward or there are quiet times. She kept saying, "That's okay."
Before we knew it, it was game time. We were talking with our birthmom! The wave of emotions came. Without getting into the specifics of our conversations, our conversation went well. I rambled and rambled, never allowing for a quiet time. She talked about how she was feeling, which was great. She shared some of her story which includes a large family including one child and hopes to go back to school to enter the medical field. She is not what people typically classify as a birthmom: she isn't a teenager; she isn't a wild child; she isn't without goals.
She talked a little bit about our profile and said, "You look like you have fun all of the time. I like that." I responded with, "We do. Life is meant to be fun."
She asked if we have thought about names for him, and we shared his name. She asked if we could be at the hospital with her, and we gladly said yes. How could we not? She asked if we could send pictures of him around his birthday and holidays and we said we would. All of this seemed so surreal. It was actually happening.
Then this happened: I talked about how thankful we are. She said, "I'm so happy I can make your dreams come true."
Yes, this birthmom is quite a lady. I am so thankful to have her in my life.
Andy and I had a conference call scheduled with our adoption counselor or specialist. She started off by congratulating us on our match. She then discussed the next steps of the process including the phone call with the birthmom. She said that it is typical for all of us to be incredibly nervous and the phone call would be super awkward. She gave advice on the structure of the phone call of us showing our excitement and gratitude, of showing empathy, of asking questions about her, of us allowing her to ask questions, of us calming her fears and so on. I feverishly took notes of the ideas. This was one phone call I did NOT want to screw up. I'm not afraid to admit it, but I am an incredibly awkward person. This raises my anxiety big time knowing this is my first impression with some who will hopefully make me a mom. The conference call continued with the specifics of our trip including plane rides, hotels, insurance and so on...blah blah blah. My mind was on overload and I couldn't wait to talk to Andy later that evening.
Fast forward a couple of hours and we received an e-mail from the birthmom's counselor asking if we could talk to the birthmom in an hour. WHAT?!?!?!?!?!??!!?? I hadn't even had time to process the first phone call and now I'm supposed to prepare for an extremely emotional phone call with a birthmom. Of course we did, but we or I was scared.
The birthmom's counselor talked to us again about it being normal if the conversation seems awkward or there are quiet times. She kept saying, "That's okay."
Before we knew it, it was game time. We were talking with our birthmom! The wave of emotions came. Without getting into the specifics of our conversations, our conversation went well. I rambled and rambled, never allowing for a quiet time. She talked about how she was feeling, which was great. She shared some of her story which includes a large family including one child and hopes to go back to school to enter the medical field. She is not what people typically classify as a birthmom: she isn't a teenager; she isn't a wild child; she isn't without goals.
She talked a little bit about our profile and said, "You look like you have fun all of the time. I like that." I responded with, "We do. Life is meant to be fun."
She asked if we have thought about names for him, and we shared his name. She asked if we could be at the hospital with her, and we gladly said yes. How could we not? She asked if we could send pictures of him around his birthday and holidays and we said we would. All of this seemed so surreal. It was actually happening.
Then this happened: I talked about how thankful we are. She said, "I'm so happy I can make your dreams come true."
Yes, this birthmom is quite a lady. I am so thankful to have her in my life.
Saturday, May 17, 2014
THE Call
Thursday, April 17, 2014
That was a FANTASTIC day!
It was a half day professional development day, so students were out of the building. My colleague and I had just gotten back from jumping in a pool for a motivation video. Don't ask, but things like that are a normal occurrence.
I was in the counselors' office when my cell phone kept ringing. Andy called asking me where I was. He told me I needed to go back to my office because the agency was calling us. WAIT!?!?!? WHAT???? I repeated what he said in my head. The excitement in his voice was apparent. He said a birthmom had fallen in love with us and wanted us to be the parents. OH MY GOSH! I don't remember the walk to my office, but I did.
Andy called the agency for a conference call. My heart was pounding. I remember feeling every. single. thud. How could this really be happening?
The birthmother's adoption specialist was on the phone. She is the person the birthmom works with at the agency. She started off by saying that there is an opportunity for us, but it was outside of our profile. Long story short, it was about $10,000 more outside of our budget. This is when she said the conversation could stop right now and that was understandable. We asked her to continue...
The birthmom fell in love with us. SHE found US on the website and knew we would be the adoptive parents. The agency said that the birthmom knew of a couple who was adopting and the birthmom decided to keep the baby. That made our birthmom sad and knew she wouldn't do that to us. At this point, I'm fairly certain I sighed with relief.
The agency continued by saying how the birthmom was very adamant she wanted us and continued to call us to see if we knew yet. She went through the birthmom's medical history, which we couldn't ask for a better situation. We also listened to what the agency knew about the pregnancy, and she asked, "Do you want to know the sex?" WOW! WOW! WOW! I remember quite clearly her saying, "You're having a little boy." That's when the tears started. I now knew I was having a son, due August 11th in New York. HOLY CRAP!
We asked her the logistics of everything, because it was more than we expected. She said we needed to make a decision by Monday and sign the paperwork and wire the money. She also said she would e-mail us everything we needed to know and do.
After the phone conference, Andy and I called each other. I kept repeating, "We're having a son." Typing those words now seems so surreal. I'm having a little boy.
The phone calls to close family started. I called my mom letting her know. I called Laura, who just recently found out she was pregnant. Her response was priceless. In her excited voice, she kept saying, "Really?????" She turned to Jude and said, "Jude, Sarah and Andy are having a baby. They're having a baby boy." He got really excited and wanted him to come and play.
So there it is. It happened. We found out we would be parents to Oliver. :-) Our feet haven't touched the ground since.
That was a FANTASTIC day!
It was a half day professional development day, so students were out of the building. My colleague and I had just gotten back from jumping in a pool for a motivation video. Don't ask, but things like that are a normal occurrence.
I was in the counselors' office when my cell phone kept ringing. Andy called asking me where I was. He told me I needed to go back to my office because the agency was calling us. WAIT!?!?!? WHAT???? I repeated what he said in my head. The excitement in his voice was apparent. He said a birthmom had fallen in love with us and wanted us to be the parents. OH MY GOSH! I don't remember the walk to my office, but I did.
Andy called the agency for a conference call. My heart was pounding. I remember feeling every. single. thud. How could this really be happening?
The birthmother's adoption specialist was on the phone. She is the person the birthmom works with at the agency. She started off by saying that there is an opportunity for us, but it was outside of our profile. Long story short, it was about $10,000 more outside of our budget. This is when she said the conversation could stop right now and that was understandable. We asked her to continue...
The birthmom fell in love with us. SHE found US on the website and knew we would be the adoptive parents. The agency said that the birthmom knew of a couple who was adopting and the birthmom decided to keep the baby. That made our birthmom sad and knew she wouldn't do that to us. At this point, I'm fairly certain I sighed with relief.
The agency continued by saying how the birthmom was very adamant she wanted us and continued to call us to see if we knew yet. She went through the birthmom's medical history, which we couldn't ask for a better situation. We also listened to what the agency knew about the pregnancy, and she asked, "Do you want to know the sex?" WOW! WOW! WOW! I remember quite clearly her saying, "You're having a little boy." That's when the tears started. I now knew I was having a son, due August 11th in New York. HOLY CRAP!
We asked her the logistics of everything, because it was more than we expected. She said we needed to make a decision by Monday and sign the paperwork and wire the money. She also said she would e-mail us everything we needed to know and do.
After the phone conference, Andy and I called each other. I kept repeating, "We're having a son." Typing those words now seems so surreal. I'm having a little boy.
The phone calls to close family started. I called my mom letting her know. I called Laura, who just recently found out she was pregnant. Her response was priceless. In her excited voice, she kept saying, "Really?????" She turned to Jude and said, "Jude, Sarah and Andy are having a baby. They're having a baby boy." He got really excited and wanted him to come and play.
So there it is. It happened. We found out we would be parents to Oliver. :-) Our feet haven't touched the ground since.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
If you know someone who is adopting...
I've taken some time thinking about this post, so here it goes.
For us, actually starting the adoption process took a lot of time. For those who know me, you probably know how abnormal this is for me to not jump right in. For those who know Andy, you know how methodical and thoughtful he is. Yes, we're ying and yang...opposites...we balance each other out. To put it mildly, we have thought, analyzed, stressed over soooo much of the process and almost all of the possibilities.
For us, actually starting the adoption process took a lot of time. For those who know me, you probably know how abnormal this is for me to not jump right in. For those who know Andy, you know how methodical and thoughtful he is. Yes, we're ying and yang...opposites...we balance each other out. To put it mildly, we have thought, analyzed, stressed over soooo much of the process and almost all of the possibilities.
Not only are we super fortunate to be able to adopt, we are also pretty fortunate to have an AH-mazing support system surrounding us. We have a bazillion people who care about us and want to check in on us. We are so appreciative of the love and support. Seriously.
Through our experience so far, I thought I would share some comments and how some who are adopting may interpret them. I know these statements were in no way meant to be hurtful, just some checking in on the process.
Do you want a real child? I've said this before. Yes, I have had this comment. What I believe they're trying to say is do you want a biological child. The answer: I want a child. I want to be a mom. Genes don't create that.
Are you scared the birthmom will back out? Or I know someone who was trying to adopt and the birthmom kept the baby. THIS IS MY #1 FEAR. Hands down. Of course I am. How could I not be? In fact, I try to do everything to NOT think about that. Is this normal for a birthmom to keep a baby? No. There are more successful adoptions than interrupted adoptions.
I know someone who adopted and she got pregnant right afterwards. I honestly have heard this a million times. While that would be great, we're not adopting in the hopes that I'll get pregnant. I'm not betting on it at all. Right now, I am focused on adopting and all the joy and stress that comes with it.
The baby will be so lucky. Actually, it is the other way around. We're incredibly lucky. Incredibly.
The main thing to remember when talking to adoptive parents is that each adoption story is unique. By the time they share that they are adopting, they have probably run the gamut of emotions and back. They have probably worked hard to get to the point they are at including filling out form after form after form after form...Sometimes they just need someone to listen.
We truly are thankful for the tons of support we have received and can't wait to share our continued journey with you.
Through our experience so far, I thought I would share some comments and how some who are adopting may interpret them. I know these statements were in no way meant to be hurtful, just some checking in on the process.
Do you want a real child? I've said this before. Yes, I have had this comment. What I believe they're trying to say is do you want a biological child. The answer: I want a child. I want to be a mom. Genes don't create that.
Are you scared the birthmom will back out? Or I know someone who was trying to adopt and the birthmom kept the baby. THIS IS MY #1 FEAR. Hands down. Of course I am. How could I not be? In fact, I try to do everything to NOT think about that. Is this normal for a birthmom to keep a baby? No. There are more successful adoptions than interrupted adoptions.
I know someone who adopted and she got pregnant right afterwards. I honestly have heard this a million times. While that would be great, we're not adopting in the hopes that I'll get pregnant. I'm not betting on it at all. Right now, I am focused on adopting and all the joy and stress that comes with it.
The baby will be so lucky. Actually, it is the other way around. We're incredibly lucky. Incredibly.
The main thing to remember when talking to adoptive parents is that each adoption story is unique. By the time they share that they are adopting, they have probably run the gamut of emotions and back. They have probably worked hard to get to the point they are at including filling out form after form after form after form...Sometimes they just need someone to listen.
We truly are thankful for the tons of support we have received and can't wait to share our continued journey with you.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Birthmom
I recently was sharing with someone about our adoption process. People check in frequently to see how it is going. When I was giving this person updates or lack of updates (sigh), the response was immediately about our birthmom. As a fairly new parent, he responded with, "I could never imagine giving up my child."
While I cannot pretend to know how it feels for the birthmom, I do know her choice is not an easy one. A couple of thoughts (and some rants) about birthmoms:
While I cannot pretend to know how it feels for the birthmom, I do know her choice is not an easy one. A couple of thoughts (and some rants) about birthmoms:
- Her choice is made out of love. Whatever the reasons are, she is choosing another family to raise her child out of love. She is giving her child opportunities for a life she may never be able to give him/her.
- Her choice is made out of selflessness. Her decision is solely about the baby, not her.
- Her choice is courageous. I can't even imagine how difficult it is to decide to give your child to another family, but it takes an incredible amount of courage. How many life changing decisions have you made that are this selfless?
- Her choice will be filled with grief. It will be incredibly hard for her...without a doubt. Hopefully she will find some comfort in knowing she chose the right family for her baby.
Monday, April 28, 2014
Letter to My Brownie
To My Sweet Brownie,
We have yet to meet you, but we already love you tremendously. We are so incredibly thankful to be given the opportunity to be your mom and dad. You will be a part of a family that is full of a lot of love, a lot of laughter, and a lot adventure. We can't wait to watch you grow, explore, and live life.
One of the greatest acts of love will be when you are chosen to be our child. Your birthmom loves you so much, more than you can ever imagine. We know the choice is not an easy one, but we know her choice is courageous and filled with love for you. We are so thankful for your birthmom to allow us to be your parents. You are the best gift any person could give or receive.
We can't wait to hold you. We can't wait to see you. We already love you tons.
Love your forever,
Mom and Dad
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Why Adoption?
Yes, we tried conceiving. Yes, it didn't work out. Those are all very true facts. But, it is also a fact that, for us, it is more important to be parents and have a family than have a biological child.
Adoption has always been an option in my mind. Before we were married, Andy and I talked about adopting for maybe our second or third child. All good plans change to even better plans.
Like I said, it has always been an option. My Grandma was an orphan. She became an orphan at age 7 when her mom died during childbirth and her dad died a year later. With all of her aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents in Belgium, Grandma and her siblings were put in a Catholic orphanage. This is where Grandma grew up. As a little girl, I felt sorry for her because every kid deserves a mom in my mind. Her story laid the ground work for where I am today.
My first few years of elementary school were spent in a private school. I became very close with another girl, Leah. I remember vividly when she drew the Korean flag during our playtime. When asked what that was, she told me it was the flag of where she was born. My kindergarten brain was blown. I'm sure I asked tons of questions (especially since I had even less of a filter than I do now). I also remember noticing that Leah did not look like her parents or even her brother who was also adopted. It wasn't a big deal, but I did notice.
Adoption has been ingrained in me. Andy and I both know how easily we can love a child unconditionally. We've done that time and time again as our nephew was born, my cousin's son was born, and our best friends' son was born. We have a lot of love to give, but biology doesn't make that love any better.
Biology...genetics, all of it, it does not make a family. Case in point, my own biological dad. I don't really talk about him. I've learned that by me not talking about him, some assume that he died. As far as I know, that is not the case. My parents split when I was 14 after SEVERAL years of not so good times. When they divorced, I made the choice that I no longer wanted anything to do with him. I alone made that decision and had to prove my choice to a court-appointed counselor. I guess why I'm touching on this story is to show genetics don't matter. I don't know honestly what the appropriate term to call him is because "dad" doesn't feel right. My mom has fit the role of both mom and dad...not him. Genetics don't make a family; love does. Period.
"Do you want a real child?" Yes, I've gotten this question a few times. This question really bothers me. It almost feels like the people who ask this question feel sorry for us, like we're missing out on something. I don't believe we are. Our family will just be created differently than some others. The moment we receive the awesome gift of becoming parents, the baby is our real child. Just because I will not give birth and we will not have the same genetics does not mean we are any less of a family. I guarantee we have a lot of love to give our baby. As a shirt I ordered for our child says, "Family is more than just blood."
Adoption has always been an option in my mind. Before we were married, Andy and I talked about adopting for maybe our second or third child. All good plans change to even better plans.
Like I said, it has always been an option. My Grandma was an orphan. She became an orphan at age 7 when her mom died during childbirth and her dad died a year later. With all of her aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents in Belgium, Grandma and her siblings were put in a Catholic orphanage. This is where Grandma grew up. As a little girl, I felt sorry for her because every kid deserves a mom in my mind. Her story laid the ground work for where I am today.
My first few years of elementary school were spent in a private school. I became very close with another girl, Leah. I remember vividly when she drew the Korean flag during our playtime. When asked what that was, she told me it was the flag of where she was born. My kindergarten brain was blown. I'm sure I asked tons of questions (especially since I had even less of a filter than I do now). I also remember noticing that Leah did not look like her parents or even her brother who was also adopted. It wasn't a big deal, but I did notice.
Adoption has been ingrained in me. Andy and I both know how easily we can love a child unconditionally. We've done that time and time again as our nephew was born, my cousin's son was born, and our best friends' son was born. We have a lot of love to give, but biology doesn't make that love any better.
Biology...genetics, all of it, it does not make a family. Case in point, my own biological dad. I don't really talk about him. I've learned that by me not talking about him, some assume that he died. As far as I know, that is not the case. My parents split when I was 14 after SEVERAL years of not so good times. When they divorced, I made the choice that I no longer wanted anything to do with him. I alone made that decision and had to prove my choice to a court-appointed counselor. I guess why I'm touching on this story is to show genetics don't matter. I don't know honestly what the appropriate term to call him is because "dad" doesn't feel right. My mom has fit the role of both mom and dad...not him. Genetics don't make a family; love does. Period.
"Do you want a real child?" Yes, I've gotten this question a few times. This question really bothers me. It almost feels like the people who ask this question feel sorry for us, like we're missing out on something. I don't believe we are. Our family will just be created differently than some others. The moment we receive the awesome gift of becoming parents, the baby is our real child. Just because I will not give birth and we will not have the same genetics does not mean we are any less of a family. I guarantee we have a lot of love to give our baby. As a shirt I ordered for our child says, "Family is more than just blood."
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Patience Reminders
I pride myself in patience especially in my profession. I realize results take time, even years. However, when I'm talking about becoming a parent, THAT is a whole different story.
Ever since Andy and I became active, we have been anxious to get THE call. I checked my phone several times during the day knowing the agency will call during business hours. We knew we would not hear from the agency until a birthmom chose us. That was a hard pill to swallow because we wanted updates. We wanted to know if we had been shown to a birthmom or not. The agency recommends waiting several months for US to contact THEM to see how many times our profile had been shown to perspective birthmoms. Based on the information we filled out about the birthmom's medical history, pregnancy history, and budget, the agency narrows down adoptive parents' profiles to fit what the birthmom wants. Then she makes the courageous choice of who will be her baby's forever home.
When we became active, my gut told me February would be the month. February would be the month that we got THE call, and our child would be born. FEBRUARY! February came...and went. Nothing. The old fear of rejection that I buried a long time ago reared it's ugly head. Why haven't we been picked? Was it something we wrote? Was it a picture we chose? Did we not say the right things in the video? Did we seem stuffy? Did we really portray who we are? What do the adoptive families who are matched have that we don't have? Will we be parents at all? All of this has been going through my head since February. If beating yourself was a sport, I'd win the Olympics.
The insecurities happened all while trying to be patient and positive. I remind myself that we will be the right parents to a baby, we just have to be patient. It will happen. No matter what, it will happen.
To add to the pressure were the questions from others. Andy and I both know this was NOT intentional. We know our family and friends care for us a lot and were genuinely interested. They were and they are. It just became hard when we had no news to share. NONE. We would not hear anything until we are matched. My typical response when asked was, "We haven't heard anything, but that's okay. It will happen." I believed that, or at least I wanted to believe it. Each time I was asked about the adoption, it was a reminder of my patience, or lack thereof.
There is not a moment that goes by when I don't think about the adoption. I'm incredibly excited to be a parent and to share this journey with Andy and our child. We've had several people tell us how lucky the child will be to have us as his/her parents. Actually, we feel the other way around. WE are the lucky ones. That moment, whenever it may happen, will make us the luckiest people in the world.
It will happen. No matter what, it will happen.
Ever since Andy and I became active, we have been anxious to get THE call. I checked my phone several times during the day knowing the agency will call during business hours. We knew we would not hear from the agency until a birthmom chose us. That was a hard pill to swallow because we wanted updates. We wanted to know if we had been shown to a birthmom or not. The agency recommends waiting several months for US to contact THEM to see how many times our profile had been shown to perspective birthmoms. Based on the information we filled out about the birthmom's medical history, pregnancy history, and budget, the agency narrows down adoptive parents' profiles to fit what the birthmom wants. Then she makes the courageous choice of who will be her baby's forever home.
When we became active, my gut told me February would be the month. February would be the month that we got THE call, and our child would be born. FEBRUARY! February came...and went. Nothing. The old fear of rejection that I buried a long time ago reared it's ugly head. Why haven't we been picked? Was it something we wrote? Was it a picture we chose? Did we not say the right things in the video? Did we seem stuffy? Did we really portray who we are? What do the adoptive families who are matched have that we don't have? Will we be parents at all? All of this has been going through my head since February. If beating yourself was a sport, I'd win the Olympics.
The insecurities happened all while trying to be patient and positive. I remind myself that we will be the right parents to a baby, we just have to be patient. It will happen. No matter what, it will happen.
To add to the pressure were the questions from others. Andy and I both know this was NOT intentional. We know our family and friends care for us a lot and were genuinely interested. They were and they are. It just became hard when we had no news to share. NONE. We would not hear anything until we are matched. My typical response when asked was, "We haven't heard anything, but that's okay. It will happen." I believed that, or at least I wanted to believe it. Each time I was asked about the adoption, it was a reminder of my patience, or lack thereof.
There is not a moment that goes by when I don't think about the adoption. I'm incredibly excited to be a parent and to share this journey with Andy and our child. We've had several people tell us how lucky the child will be to have us as his/her parents. Actually, we feel the other way around. WE are the lucky ones. That moment, whenever it may happen, will make us the luckiest people in the world.
It will happen. No matter what, it will happen.
Monday, April 21, 2014
Our Story...
Our love story began right after high school graduation. It is one of those stories that sounds all too familiar. A boy and girl meet; they fall in love; the rest is history. Andy and I were smart, so we think, and got married after I graduated from college. He, on the other hand, took the 5-year route and still had another year to go. Either way, we were married and ready to start our happily ever after.
Fast forward about 5 years. Our love story seemed to be missing a piece. We loved each other tremendously, but wanted to share that love with a child of our own. We thought it would be incredibly easy to have a baby. Maybe a wink at each other and BAM, we're having a baby! Totally not the case.
Fast forward 4 years to the summer of 2013. Andy and I discussed our incredibly strong desire to have children. Both of us agreed genetics are not what creates a family. Heck, with our genetics, it might be a blessing for the baby. ;-) Our quest for adoption began.
Fall 2013, the mountain paperwork for adoption started. We answered questions about us and our family. We set a budget for our adoption. We looked about medical history, pregnancy history and so on to determine what we're okay with. In fact, we joked it felt more like choosing a make and a model of a child. Maybe poor taste in humor, but it got us through the hard stuff.
We shared our decision for adoption with our family, friends, and work. I told my staff during a staff meeting by saying, "I'm having a baby. I don't know who the father is because we're adopting." Needless to say, many were confused and many thought it was hysterical when they came to the realization what I was meaning. Each person we shared our story with was incredibly supportive with our choice. Many had questions about the process, shared how adoption touched their lives, and asked about timelines.
We shared our decision for adoption with our family, friends, and work. I told my staff during a staff meeting by saying, "I'm having a baby. I don't know who the father is because we're adopting." Needless to say, many were confused and many thought it was hysterical when they came to the realization what I was meaning. Each person we shared our story with was incredibly supportive with our choice. Many had questions about the process, shared how adoption touched their lives, and asked about timelines.
In November and December 2013, that is when everything became really deep. We began creating our profile for birth moms. We wrote, erased, wrote, and rewrote some more as we tried to show who were are. Imagine trying to show your life in a nutshell. That's what we tried to do through pictures, writing, and video. It's scary and exciting all at the same time. Our poor family and friends probably thought we were insane during this time. As we created the video, they had to sign releases and answer a ton of questions. They also had to deal with our, or MY, hypersensitivity. Since our profile is removed from the agency's site, here are some screenshots of our profile.
Our home study also began in December. We had a total of 2 home studies with lots of questions and lots of paperwork...again. The awkward questions were the pieces I remember the most. Questions ranged from why I love Andy, to how I was disciplined as a child, to my non-relationship with my dad. Our social worker was fantastic at trying to put us at ease. She shared with us her experience with adoptive families and the timeframe. Some couples brought home their baby in weeks and a few couples took several months. She provided a lot of hope that our family would be completed soon.
After our home study, profile, and video, we were "active" on January 22, 2014. We could be shown to birthmoms. So...the waiting began.
After our home study, profile, and video, we were "active" on January 22, 2014. We could be shown to birthmoms. So...the waiting began.
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