Birthmom

I recently was sharing with someone about our adoption process.  People check in frequently to see how it is going.  When I was giving this person updates or lack of updates (sigh), the response was immediately about our birthmom.  As a fairly new parent, he responded with, "I could never imagine giving up my child."

While I cannot pretend to know how it feels for the birthmom, I do know her choice is not an easy one. A couple of thoughts (and some rants) about birthmoms:

• Her choice is made out of love.  Whatever the reasons are, she is choosing another family to raise her child out of love.  She is giving her child opportunities for a life she may never be able to give him/her.  
• Her choice is made out of selflessness.  Her decision is solely about the baby, not her.  
• Her choice is courageous.  I can't even imagine how difficult it is to decide to give your child to another family, but it takes an incredible amount of courage.  How many life changing decisions have you made that are this selfless?
• Her choice will be filled with grief.  It will be incredibly hard for her...without a doubt.  Hopefully she will find some comfort in knowing she chose the right family for her baby.

While we may not make the choice ourselves, we cannot pretend to be able to walk a mile in her shoes.  I cannot judge her.  But, I can be forever grateful for her.  She is giving me the ultimate gift of becoming a parent which is creating a bond I will have with her for the rest of my life.

Letter to My Brownie

To My Sweet Brownie,

We have yet to meet you, but we already love you tremendously.  We are so incredibly thankful to be given the opportunity to be your mom and dad.  You will be a part of a family that is full of a lot of love, a lot of laughter, and a lot adventure.  We can't wait to watch you grow, explore, and live life.

One of the greatest acts of love will be when you are chosen to be our child.  Your birthmom loves you so much, more than you can ever imagine.  We know the choice is not an easy one, but we know her choice is courageous and filled with love for you.  We are so thankful for your birthmom to allow us to be your parents.  You are the best gift any person could give or receive.

We can't wait to hold you.  We can't wait to see you.  We already love you tons.

Love your forever,

Mom and Dad

Why Adoption?

Yes, we tried conceiving.  Yes, it didn't work out.  Those are all very true facts.  But, it is also a fact that, for us, it is more important to be parents and have a family than have a biological child.

Adoption has always been an option in my mind.  Before we were married, Andy and I talked about adopting for maybe our second or third child.  All good plans change to even better plans.

Like I said, it has always been an option.  My Grandma was an orphan.  She became an orphan at age 7 when her mom died during childbirth and her dad died a year later.  With all of her aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents in Belgium, Grandma and her siblings were put in a Catholic orphanage.  This is where Grandma grew up.  As a little girl, I felt sorry for her because every kid deserves a mom in my mind.  Her story laid the ground work for where I am today.

My first few years of elementary school were spent in a private school.  I became very close with another girl, Leah.  I remember vividly when she drew the Korean flag during our playtime.  When asked what that was, she told me it was the flag of where she was born.  My kindergarten brain was blown.  I'm sure I asked tons of questions (especially since I had even less of a filter than I do now).  I also remember noticing that Leah did not look like her parents or even her brother who was also adopted.  It wasn't a big deal, but I did notice.

Adoption has been ingrained in me.  Andy and I both know how easily we can love a child unconditionally.  We've done that time and time again as our nephew was born, my cousin's son was born, and our best friends' son was born.  We have a lot of love to give, but biology doesn't make that love any better.

Biology...genetics, all of it, it does not make a family.  Case in point, my own biological dad.  I don't really talk about him.  I've learned that by me not talking about him, some assume that he died.  As far as I know, that is not the case.  My parents split when I was 14 after SEVERAL years of not so good times.  When they divorced, I made the choice that I no longer wanted anything to do with him.  I alone made that decision and had to prove my choice to a court-appointed counselor.  I guess why I'm touching on this story is to show genetics don't matter.  I don't know honestly what the appropriate term to call him is because "dad" doesn't feel right.  My mom has fit the role of both mom and dad...not him. Genetics don't make a family; love does.  Period.

"Do you want a real child?"  Yes, I've gotten this question a few times.  This question really bothers me.  It almost feels like the people who ask this question feel sorry for us, like we're missing out on something.  I don't believe we are.  Our family will just be created differently than some others.  The moment we receive the awesome gift of becoming parents, the baby is our real child.  Just because I will not give birth and we will not have the same genetics does not mean we are any less of a family.  I guarantee we have a lot of love to give our baby.  As a shirt I ordered for our child says, "Family is more than just blood."

Patience Reminders

I pride myself in patience especially in my profession.  I realize results take time, even years.  However, when I'm talking about becoming a parent, THAT is a whole different story.

Ever since Andy and I became active, we have been anxious to get THE call.  I checked my phone several times during the day knowing the agency will call during business hours.  We knew we would not hear from the agency until a birthmom chose us.  That was a hard pill to swallow because we wanted updates.  We wanted to know if we had been shown to a birthmom or not.  The agency recommends waiting several months for US to contact THEM to see how many times our profile had been shown to perspective birthmoms.  Based on the information we filled out about the birthmom's medical history, pregnancy history, and budget, the agency narrows down adoptive parents' profiles to fit what the birthmom wants.  Then she makes the courageous choice of who will be her baby's forever home.

When we became active, my gut told me February would be the month.  February would be the month that we got THE call, and our child would be born.  FEBRUARY!  February came...and went.  Nothing.  The old fear of rejection that I buried a long time ago reared it's ugly head.  Why haven't we been picked?  Was it something we wrote?  Was it a picture we chose?  Did we not say the right things in the video?  Did we seem stuffy?  Did we really portray who we are?  What do the adoptive families who are matched have that we don't have?  Will we be parents at all?  All of this has been going through my head since February.  If beating yourself was a sport, I'd win the Olympics.

The insecurities happened all while trying to be patient and positive.  I remind myself that we will be the right parents to a baby, we just have to be patient.  It will happen.  No matter what, it will happen.

To add to the pressure were the questions from others.  Andy and I both know this was NOT intentional.  We know our family and friends care for us a lot and were genuinely interested.  They were and they are.  It just became hard when we had no news to share.  NONE.  We would not hear anything until we are matched.  My typical response when asked was, "We haven't heard anything, but that's okay.  It will happen."  I believed that, or at least I wanted to believe it.  Each time I was asked about the adoption, it was a reminder of my patience, or lack thereof.

There is not a moment that goes by when I don't think about the adoption.  I'm incredibly excited to be a parent and to share this journey with Andy and our child.  We've had several people tell us how lucky the child will be to have us as his/her parents.  Actually, we feel the other way around.  WE are the lucky ones.  That moment, whenever it may happen, will make us the luckiest people in the world.

It will happen.  No matter what, it will happen.

Our Story...

Our love story began right after high school graduation.  It is one of those stories that sounds all too familiar.  A boy and girl meet; they fall in love; the rest is history.  Andy and I were smart, so we think, and got married after I graduated from college.  He, on the other hand, took the 5-year route and still had another year to go.  Either way, we were married and ready to start our happily ever after.

Fast forward about 5 years.  Our love story seemed to be missing a piece.  We loved each other tremendously, but wanted to share that love with a child of our own.  We thought it would be incredibly easy to have a baby.  Maybe a wink at each other and BAM, we're having a baby!  Totally not the case.

Fast forward 4 years to the summer of 2013.  Andy and I discussed our incredibly strong desire to have children.  Both of us agreed genetics are not what creates a family.  Heck, with our genetics, it might be a blessing for the baby.  ;-)  Our quest for adoption began.

Fall 2013, the mountain paperwork for adoption started.  We answered questions about us and our family.  We set a budget for our adoption.  We looked about medical history, pregnancy history and so on to determine what we're okay with.  In fact, we joked it felt more like choosing a make and a model of a child.  Maybe poor taste in humor, but it got us through the hard stuff.

We shared our decision for adoption with our family, friends, and work.  I told my staff during a staff meeting by saying, "I'm having a baby.  I don't know who the father is because we're adopting."  Needless to say, many were confused and many thought it was hysterical when they came to the realization what I was meaning.  Each person we shared our story with was incredibly supportive with our choice.  Many had questions about the process, shared how adoption touched their lives, and asked about timelines. 

In November and December 2013, that is when everything became really deep.  We began creating our profile for birth moms.  We wrote, erased, wrote, and rewrote some more as we tried to show who were are.  Imagine trying to show your life in a nutshell.  That's what we tried to do through pictures, writing, and video.  It's scary and exciting all at the same time.  Our poor family and friends probably thought we were insane during this time.  As we created the video, they had to sign releases and answer a ton of questions.  They also had to deal with our, or MY, hypersensitivity.  Since our profile is removed from the agency's site, here are some screenshots of our profile. 

Our home study also began in December.  We had a total of 2 home studies with lots of questions and lots of paperwork...again.  The awkward questions were the pieces I remember the most.  Questions ranged from why I love Andy, to how I was disciplined as a child, to my non-relationship with my dad.    Our social worker was fantastic at trying to put us at ease.  She shared with us her experience with adoptive families and the timeframe.  Some couples brought home their baby in weeks and a few couples took several months.  She provided a lot of hope that our family would be completed soon.

After our home study, profile, and video, we were "active" on January 22, 2014.  We could be shown to birthmoms.  So...the waiting began.