"I don't see you as ever being a mom."
This sentence was said to me several years ago when Andy and I first started trying to have a family. Yes, someone truly said that to me. At that time, we hadn't shared we were trying to have kids with anyone. In fact, after that sentence, I never really shared with anyone other than close family and a friend that we were trying to conceive. I decided to keep our hopes for a family private and later our struggles and decision to adopt even more private. I could go on and on about why I believe this person made this comment. I don't believe it had anything to do with me, but everything to do with the person making it. Needless to say, it affected how I would share information.
Today, I have been open about how we became Oliver's parents. It's therapeutic, awkward, yet something I want Oliver to know about when he is older. Andy and I talk about how lucky we are to have him every single day. Every smile, every snuggle, every feeding, every diaper change...we love it all. Our journey was our journey, and it was perfect. I rewrite it at all.
As for that comment, it has been running in the back of my head lately. Every time I think of it, I smile. I smile because I am a mom. I smile because my life is what it is meant to be. I smile because I am happy with the life I have. I smile because I know people are genuinely happy for us and support us (except maybe this person). I smile because I love my son more than anything in this world and I'm pretty sure he loves me.
I am a mom and will be the best mom I can for Oliver.
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Saturday, October 18, 2014
Getting Caught Up
I haven't written in forever. In fact, I haven't even opened my laptop in two months. I'm disappointed in myself by that. I had every intention of writing about our journey, but, alas, it hasn't happened. The blog isn't the only piece of writing that has been ignored either. That pesky dissertation is hovering above my head. However, today is the day I refocus on both.
I am a mom. Four words I never thought I would be able to say for a fact. I am Oliver's mom and I'm pretty sure he knows this. He recognizes my voice and will turn to face. He giggles and smiles whenever I talk to him, play with him, all of that stuff. I love him more than life itself and never could imagine the love I could have for him before he arrived. We are bonded together forever and it is amazing.
Our life has changed completely and for the better. Our little one had a rough start to begin. He was admitted to the NICU the day he was born for hypoglycemia. A few days later, he started to run a fever. Blood tests showed he had E. coli meningitis and would need 21 days of intense antibiotics. All in all, we spent 27 days in the NICU. TWENTY-SEVEN. While that was hard enough, we were in New York, away from all of our friends and family. Looking back on it, it's crazy to think how we managed mentally. Our days were consumed with waking up in a hotel, going to the hospital, and holding Oliver until late at night. One would think I would have written more then, but I found just holding him and staring at him was better than anything in this world. When the NICU attending physician told us he had meningitis and how serious it could have been if it wasn't caught early, he ended the conversation by telling us to treat him like a healthy newborn because he was essentially just that: healthy and perfect.
The nurses were amazing. Not only did they catch the fever incredibly early and potentially saved his life, they took care of Andy and me. They were our moms when we couldn't have our own. One nurse in particular, Donna, was such an amazing support to us. She was there when we cried tears of sadness because Oliver was having a rough day. She was there when we cried tears of joy because of incredibly generous donations from the hospital and from my Fort family. One day, she brought a bottle of wine, beach chairs, a beach umbrella, and a beach blanket and told us we needed a break. As hard as it was, we did need it and took her up on the offer. On her day off, she came to the hospital for discharge. She took the last monitors off of him so I could hold him for THE first time without anything attached to him. I can't even describe that feeling. Tears are welling up in my eyes now because that moment took my breath away. We still talk to Donna every few weeks just to talk about Oliver and how everything is going. After the Royals won and were headed to the World Series, she called to congratulate us. She said she had been watching each Royals game because she knew we were such big fans (especially since we went to a Yankees game to see our boys in blue). Stony Brook University Hospital was fantastic. We can never repay them for the care they gave Ollie and us.
Here's a video of Oliver's stay:
We were discharged on September 8th. We knew the paperwork for us to leave the state would be filed the next day and knew approval could take 5 to 10 business days. The adoption lawyer said New York was very quick and they were. We had approval on the 10th and needed approval from Missouri. During our whole stay, we talked to Oliver's birthmom a lot. She would text and came up a few times. Her dad stopped by, too. Knowing we were so close to going home, she came to the hotel on September 11th with her mom and her daughter. She held Oliver, took pictures and loved him as much as possible. I can't write enough about Oliver's birthmom without crying. She put on a brave face the entire time, always wearing a smile. I knew this was the hardest thing she had ever done and I knew this was a final goodbye. I hugged her one last time and told her, "Thank you for making me a mom." I think we both cried then...first time I saw her cry.
When we were done, we went back to our room and both of our phones had several voicemails and texts. We had approval to leave the state. It was almost perfect timing. The phone calls saying we could go home came when we were saying goodbye to our birthmom. Perfect. I lost it at that moment. We could finally come home after 5 weeks of living in nine hotels, driving through nine states, and having son. The morning could come soon enough.
On September 12th, we started our drive home with our son as early as we possibly could. When we got to the Bronx, we received a text message saying Andy's Aunt Debbie passed away. Getting home could not have more important.
Once home, we finally were able to introduce Oliver to our family and friends. I have been accustomed to being home with the little guy. I do absolutely anything for his giggles and for his laughs even though he stops when I try to video it.
Oliver is perfect by every sense of that word. He is my son, and I could not be any luckier than I am now.
I am a mom. Four words I never thought I would be able to say for a fact. I am Oliver's mom and I'm pretty sure he knows this. He recognizes my voice and will turn to face. He giggles and smiles whenever I talk to him, play with him, all of that stuff. I love him more than life itself and never could imagine the love I could have for him before he arrived. We are bonded together forever and it is amazing.
Our life has changed completely and for the better. Our little one had a rough start to begin. He was admitted to the NICU the day he was born for hypoglycemia. A few days later, he started to run a fever. Blood tests showed he had E. coli meningitis and would need 21 days of intense antibiotics. All in all, we spent 27 days in the NICU. TWENTY-SEVEN. While that was hard enough, we were in New York, away from all of our friends and family. Looking back on it, it's crazy to think how we managed mentally. Our days were consumed with waking up in a hotel, going to the hospital, and holding Oliver until late at night. One would think I would have written more then, but I found just holding him and staring at him was better than anything in this world. When the NICU attending physician told us he had meningitis and how serious it could have been if it wasn't caught early, he ended the conversation by telling us to treat him like a healthy newborn because he was essentially just that: healthy and perfect.
The nurses were amazing. Not only did they catch the fever incredibly early and potentially saved his life, they took care of Andy and me. They were our moms when we couldn't have our own. One nurse in particular, Donna, was such an amazing support to us. She was there when we cried tears of sadness because Oliver was having a rough day. She was there when we cried tears of joy because of incredibly generous donations from the hospital and from my Fort family. One day, she brought a bottle of wine, beach chairs, a beach umbrella, and a beach blanket and told us we needed a break. As hard as it was, we did need it and took her up on the offer. On her day off, she came to the hospital for discharge. She took the last monitors off of him so I could hold him for THE first time without anything attached to him. I can't even describe that feeling. Tears are welling up in my eyes now because that moment took my breath away. We still talk to Donna every few weeks just to talk about Oliver and how everything is going. After the Royals won and were headed to the World Series, she called to congratulate us. She said she had been watching each Royals game because she knew we were such big fans (especially since we went to a Yankees game to see our boys in blue). Stony Brook University Hospital was fantastic. We can never repay them for the care they gave Ollie and us.
Here's a video of Oliver's stay:
We were discharged on September 8th. We knew the paperwork for us to leave the state would be filed the next day and knew approval could take 5 to 10 business days. The adoption lawyer said New York was very quick and they were. We had approval on the 10th and needed approval from Missouri. During our whole stay, we talked to Oliver's birthmom a lot. She would text and came up a few times. Her dad stopped by, too. Knowing we were so close to going home, she came to the hotel on September 11th with her mom and her daughter. She held Oliver, took pictures and loved him as much as possible. I can't write enough about Oliver's birthmom without crying. She put on a brave face the entire time, always wearing a smile. I knew this was the hardest thing she had ever done and I knew this was a final goodbye. I hugged her one last time and told her, "Thank you for making me a mom." I think we both cried then...first time I saw her cry.
When we were done, we went back to our room and both of our phones had several voicemails and texts. We had approval to leave the state. It was almost perfect timing. The phone calls saying we could go home came when we were saying goodbye to our birthmom. Perfect. I lost it at that moment. We could finally come home after 5 weeks of living in nine hotels, driving through nine states, and having son. The morning could come soon enough.
On September 12th, we started our drive home with our son as early as we possibly could. When we got to the Bronx, we received a text message saying Andy's Aunt Debbie passed away. Getting home could not have more important.
Once home, we finally were able to introduce Oliver to our family and friends. I have been accustomed to being home with the little guy. I do absolutely anything for his giggles and for his laughs even though he stops when I try to video it.
Oliver is perfect by every sense of that word. He is my son, and I could not be any luckier than I am now.
Saturday, August 23, 2014
The Day You Were Born
When I started this I thought I would be able to keep up with all of the stories of how we became your parents. I was wrong. I can't. So Ollie, please for give me as I try to gather all of my memories of your birth. Right now, I'm sitting next to your dad as he holds you as you are in your milk-induced coma. We're on day 11 of being in the NICU.
Here's your story...
Your birthmom kept us in the loop for every appointment she had. Her last appointment was August 7th. At that time, she was a 3 and having irregular contractions. Your dad and I didn't want to miss a thing so we decided we would start driving out and taking our time. August 7th is when I also found out I have a stress fracture in my left foot so I was able to get an awesome boot. This is another reason we decided to start the trek to Long Island.
During our trip, your birthmom continued to keep us updated. You were due August 11th, but that time came and it went. Your dad and I thought for certain you would come before then, but you proved us wrong. We were starting to regret the day we left.
On August 12th, we were in New Jersey, and we decided it was time to head to Long Island. We made hotel reservations for August 13th hoping you would come soon. Around 11:30 am, we were just across the river and could see Manhattan including the Empire State building and the Statue of Liberty, when your birthmom texted that her water broke and she would be leaving soon. I can't even describe the emotions that came over us. It was a "HOLY CRAP!" feeling (which you aren't allowed to say, Ollie). Your dad and I got a little teary-eyed because we knew you were coming soon. I made phone calls and texted everyone as your dad tried to navigate NYC traffic. We knew we had some time before you came so we checked into the hotel early and started our way to Stony Brook Hospital.
We were nervous about what was going to happen. Not only were we about to become parents, but we were also going to meet your birthmom for the very first time. Things got real!
When we got to the hospital, we had to park the car in the parking lot. That's when your birthmom's mom called us and she said, "Oliver is here! He's beautiful! They told me to get coffee so she could get an epidural and I missed it. He was born about 5 minutes ago!" Here, we thought we had hours of waiting, but we didn't. You came so quickly that your birthmom's mom couldn't even make it to your birth. I asked how your birthmom was and she handed the phone to her so I could talk to her. She said she was good and I could hear you coo. I told her we were walking in the hospital now and would see her soon. I remember looking at your dad and saying you were born. You're ours.
While we were waiting in the waiting room to meet you, a man in scrubs came to us and introduced himself. I looked at his name tag and right away knew it was your birthmom's dad. The tears filled my eyes as he hugged me, kissed me on the cheek, and told me congratulations on the birth of our son. He asked us about our drive in and told us that the morning of your birth was the worst flood Long Island had in years. He said so many of the employees couldn't come in because the roadways were flooded up to people's waists. He then left to check on his daughter and you. His calmness and kindness is what I will always remember about him. When he left, he told us how absolutely perfect you were.
A while later, we met your birthmom's mom. She, too, came out and told us congratulations and said how perfect you were. She said how quickly you came. Within an hour of their arrival at the hospital, you were born. She showed us pictures of you. Oh my gosh, you were so handsome! We also found out August 13th was your birthmom's paternal grandma's birthday so they felt like the she was watching over your birth. Your birthmom's brother's girlfriend's daughter was also in labor and they were anxiously waiting her son's arrival. Your birthmom's mom left to check to see if we could come back. Shortly, she returned saying that your blood sugar was low and they were going to take you to the NICU. We thought it was no big deal and you would be out soon. We were wrong...
We waited several hours for the text from your birthmom saying she was ready to meet us and to take us to meet you. As soon as we saw her, we each gave her a hug to thank her. Then, we went to meet you...My heart was in my throat. I was about to meet the most important person in my life: YOU. You were as perfect, absolutely perfect. It was completely love at first sight. The nurses asked if we wanted to hold you, and I asked your birthmom if she wanted to hold you. She said no and wanted me to hold you. You melted my heart and your dad's heart. You were ours forever.
So, in a whirlwind, on August 13, 2014, at 1:28 PM, you were born at Stony Brook University, weighing 9 lbs. and measuring 20 1/2 inches. Our wait to meet you was over.
Here's your story...
Your birthmom kept us in the loop for every appointment she had. Her last appointment was August 7th. At that time, she was a 3 and having irregular contractions. Your dad and I didn't want to miss a thing so we decided we would start driving out and taking our time. August 7th is when I also found out I have a stress fracture in my left foot so I was able to get an awesome boot. This is another reason we decided to start the trek to Long Island.
During our trip, your birthmom continued to keep us updated. You were due August 11th, but that time came and it went. Your dad and I thought for certain you would come before then, but you proved us wrong. We were starting to regret the day we left.
On August 12th, we were in New Jersey, and we decided it was time to head to Long Island. We made hotel reservations for August 13th hoping you would come soon. Around 11:30 am, we were just across the river and could see Manhattan including the Empire State building and the Statue of Liberty, when your birthmom texted that her water broke and she would be leaving soon. I can't even describe the emotions that came over us. It was a "HOLY CRAP!" feeling (which you aren't allowed to say, Ollie). Your dad and I got a little teary-eyed because we knew you were coming soon. I made phone calls and texted everyone as your dad tried to navigate NYC traffic. We knew we had some time before you came so we checked into the hotel early and started our way to Stony Brook Hospital.
We were nervous about what was going to happen. Not only were we about to become parents, but we were also going to meet your birthmom for the very first time. Things got real!
When we got to the hospital, we had to park the car in the parking lot. That's when your birthmom's mom called us and she said, "Oliver is here! He's beautiful! They told me to get coffee so she could get an epidural and I missed it. He was born about 5 minutes ago!" Here, we thought we had hours of waiting, but we didn't. You came so quickly that your birthmom's mom couldn't even make it to your birth. I asked how your birthmom was and she handed the phone to her so I could talk to her. She said she was good and I could hear you coo. I told her we were walking in the hospital now and would see her soon. I remember looking at your dad and saying you were born. You're ours.
While we were waiting in the waiting room to meet you, a man in scrubs came to us and introduced himself. I looked at his name tag and right away knew it was your birthmom's dad. The tears filled my eyes as he hugged me, kissed me on the cheek, and told me congratulations on the birth of our son. He asked us about our drive in and told us that the morning of your birth was the worst flood Long Island had in years. He said so many of the employees couldn't come in because the roadways were flooded up to people's waists. He then left to check on his daughter and you. His calmness and kindness is what I will always remember about him. When he left, he told us how absolutely perfect you were.
A while later, we met your birthmom's mom. She, too, came out and told us congratulations and said how perfect you were. She said how quickly you came. Within an hour of their arrival at the hospital, you were born. She showed us pictures of you. Oh my gosh, you were so handsome! We also found out August 13th was your birthmom's paternal grandma's birthday so they felt like the she was watching over your birth. Your birthmom's brother's girlfriend's daughter was also in labor and they were anxiously waiting her son's arrival. Your birthmom's mom left to check to see if we could come back. Shortly, she returned saying that your blood sugar was low and they were going to take you to the NICU. We thought it was no big deal and you would be out soon. We were wrong...
We waited several hours for the text from your birthmom saying she was ready to meet us and to take us to meet you. As soon as we saw her, we each gave her a hug to thank her. Then, we went to meet you...My heart was in my throat. I was about to meet the most important person in my life: YOU. You were as perfect, absolutely perfect. It was completely love at first sight. The nurses asked if we wanted to hold you, and I asked your birthmom if she wanted to hold you. She said no and wanted me to hold you. You melted my heart and your dad's heart. You were ours forever.
So, in a whirlwind, on August 13, 2014, at 1:28 PM, you were born at Stony Brook University, weighing 9 lbs. and measuring 20 1/2 inches. Our wait to meet you was over.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
August 7th...
We made a huge decision today, one full of emotion. Today, after we heard from our birthmom about her progression and mild contractions, we decided to begin our journey to get our son. I'm sitting here, on my couch, listening to my dogs play, typing away and this is the last night in our home without our son. It is an absolute surreal moment. Oliver is almost home.
Andy had his last day of work for 6 weeks and I had my last day of work for 12. It was slightly sad walking out of the building today knowing I would not be there to start the school year with teachers and students. I don't know how much good I have done the past two weeks. My mind has been hyper-focused on Oliver and the adoption. Not a lot of work has been completed, or more like not a lot focus has been available. It has been an emotional roller coaster that I don't think I could adequately describe to someone who has never adopted. I try just like some try to describe the emotionally roller coaster of giving birth to me. I don't get it, but that's okay. My journey to motherhood is different. :-)
Of course, in my life, things aren't just that simple. Today, I also found out I have a stress fracture in my left foot from running. I started running again to alleviate the stress I have had. But, now, I'm in a boot and pain meds. :-)
So here we go! Andy and I are getting our son!
Friday, August 1, 2014
Reassurance
Our birthmom could not have picked a better time to e-mail us this week. I have been incredibly scared about all the possibilities that may occur....like leaving the hospital without Oliver. That, quite honestly, freaks me out. I'm already so in love with him, I can't imagine not getting to be his mom. I have had MANY
Then we get her e-mail...below is an excerpt.
Thank you soooo soo much for being so loving and kind...You are such nice people and I can't wait to meet you both in person! Oliver is going to be a very lucky boy to you as parents without a doubt!
Like I said, absolutely perfect. I keep reassuring myself that we will be his parents. In many ways, we already are. Our birthmom has no idea how much she means to us and how perfect her words were.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Life is better
About a year ago from now, Andy and I made the decision to contact American Adoptions to gather more information about the process of having our child. Here we are with our cell phones on and by us all the time waiting for Oliver. Crazy! We've reflected on our adoption journey, from contacting American Adoptions, to beginning the paperwork, to creating our profile, to getting the call. We realized this week that when we had pictures taken by Jake Adams Photography for our profile, Oliver was being conceived. Something small like definitely feels like he was meant to be ours.
Andy and I have been talking a lot about how much our lives are about to change for the better in the next week or two. Oliver is coming, and we can't wait to be a part of his life.
Andy and I have been talking a lot about how much our lives are about to change for the better in the next week or two. Oliver is coming, and we can't wait to be a part of his life.
Friday, July 25, 2014
AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
I am having an extremely difficult time concentrating on anything other than Oliver. I. CAN'T. DO. IT.
Every phone call...I think it may be about Oliver. I spend hours researching and researching how to get to NYC ASAP and where to stay. Being unable to book anything is stressful, too. I don't want to miss a single thing as Oliver enters this world, but reality is, we will. It sucks accepting that. I'm worried about the hospital stay and everything. I'm worried about meeting the birthmom in person. My mind is going 152 mph just about Oliver. What makes it even more exciting is we found out she is dilated 2 cm this past Wednesday. It's happening. It's really happening.
I've spent my summer preparing for Oliver and everything surrounding Oliver. We've found a pediatrician; we've talked to friends about adoption/raising kids; we've read and we've read. Here I am, on my last day of summer vacation, and that's all I have done. I know it's not a bad thing at all. I've enjoyed every single moment, but I know I have so many other responsibilities like that monkey on my back named "Dissertation."
It will all work out, right? Everything will be okay and happen the way it is supposed to. A few weeks from now, we'll be in NYC with our son. Surreal.
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