Nervousness

Today, we have hit 37 weeks.  37 weeks!  Incredible.  In mid-April, August 11th seemed so far in the distance, but now, here we are.  The nursery is done.  His bag is being packed.  We're in the homestretch.

So...I have been emotional lately.  Whenever I'm in public, my eyes are drawn to watching little boys (I can't think of a way to make it sound less creepy). I can't help but imagine what Oliver is going to look like, what his interests will be, what his dislikes will be, all of that.  Imagining his future, or better yet, our future is exciting.  Actually, exciting doesn't quite capture what it feels like.  My life is about to change in the best possible way in just a few short weeks.

With all of this excitement and love, I can't help but think about our birthmom.  How is it something so thrilling..so exciting...can have the complete opposite affect on another human being?  Our joy is her pain.  I can't imagine what she is going through right now.  I don't know if I would even want to.  In some sense, I feel like we are the ones causing some of the pain.  I know that sounds odd, but I can't help but feel that way.  We're the ones who will be walking out of the hospital with him and who will be over-the-moon happy, while she... I don't even want to think about it.  Yes, I'm worried.  I know she is incredibly strong and has made her decision.  I keep reminding myself of all of the comments she has made about us being his parents because I'm scared.  I'm scared she'll change her mind.  I'm scared to come home without him.

These fears are on top of every parent's normal fears like "Will I be a good parent?"  "Will I screw up my child?"  Those are all normal fears, right?

I'm in a whirlwind of emotions right now.  The best time of my life and I'm scared...